|
ANGIE LOUIE I was dying through my addiction, and I knew it but I didn't care. I believed the world would be a better place without me. I had done so much wrong in my life (up to that point) that I didn't think I would ever live long enough to make amends to them all. I honestly didn't believe I was worth the time or the effort it would take to try for a first chance at a better life. I witnessed sobriety in my Community, but those people were so untouchable. They were like gods to me…someone to Fear and never look in the eye - for fear that they would discover what a mistake I was. Or worse yet, tell me what a mistake I was. I couldn't risk the chance that I would be hurt by them, so I did what I could to hurt myself more than they ever could. They had close families, good jobs, vehicles, and most of them worked at the Treatment Centre on the Rez. "They" were my perceived enemy…because they appeared happy. Then one day I woke up after another Blackout Drunk and didn't know where I was. I was just thankful that it wasn't the Slammer. AGAIN! I immediately felt the pain of another injury. AGAIN! But there was something different about this injury. I wasn't going to be able to hide this one because I had broken my hand. I couldn't bare the thought of facing people with a broken hand so I made plans to run. AGAIN! Well, it turns out that I wasn't able to run very far. I didn't have any money to go anywhere or really anywhere to go. So, I sat there and I cried. I cried harder than I had ever cried in my life…for myself! I was sitting at the bottom of my addiction and I knew that someone was going to end up dead and I was hoping it was going to be ME. I know now that it was in that moment that my tears were my prayers and they were answered. My last drink was March 26, 1992 and since that time, I have changed my life to reflect what a gift I am from the Creator. I sobered up, I found out that I was pregnant shortly after and finally carried a child free from Alcohol & Drugs. (She is a healthy 11 year old girl today.) I wish I could say the same for my oldest daughter. I know that I damaged her and she was where I began my amends. I took her back and raised her in sobriety. That first year of sobriety was a complete miracle of good fortune. I got married, had a baby, got my oldest daughter back, and actually felt Happiness! At the completion of my first year of sobriety, I was eligible to work at the local Residential Treatment Centre on the Reserve. And, so I did as a part-time Secretary. I watched so many people walk through the doors of the Treatment Centre who had the "look" of defeat and then leave (after 6 weeks) with a glow about them that I cannot describe with mere words. I can only say that I relate it to my own "happiness" and how I somehow found a reason to live. And better yet, a reason to live Alcohol & Drug Free. And…it was ME. I began a personal relationship with myself and my Creator to be a better person in mind, body, and spirit. And, it was through the Treatment Program that I learned how to do any of this work. Today, I have 12 years of sobriety! And, I am still working at that Residential Treatment Centre on the Rez. I am committed to helping other people who are reaching out. I want to be there for them just as someone was there for me when I needed the help. I don't want to be one of the perceived "enemy" just because I have worked to have the good things that my family needs. I would never ever judge another addict because I remember how it felt to feel judged. I am now working on my Counseling Certificate so that I can better help. I am now doing Community Workshops to help reach our Aboriginal Communities in our efforts to bring awareness and understanding of how and why we might be "stuck" in addiction as whole Communities and Nations. I will do what I can to help my fellow addicts, because I truly believe that is one of the reasons I was spared by the Creator. The other, number one, reason for my life is to build a happy family with my 3 beautiful daughters and my husband of nearly 12 years. In retrospect, I know
that Treatment isn't for everyone. I am just so blessed that it was available
for me when I needed it. I hate to think what might have been if I was
no longer in the world. Or, if I was to end up in Prison, or worse yet,
living on welfare still drinking and drugging while I damaged another
generation of Aboriginal people (my children)! |